You Talk Too Much!
Successful relationships are built on communication. But a reason often given in divorce counseling is straight-out – “You talk too much!”
I’ve just returned from a meditation retreat, where around 50 participants observed ‘noble silence’ for much of the time. It was an idyllic setting amid acres of hills, trees and a temple. We interacted, meditated, performed tai chi and ate in an attitude of content and quiet.
Occasionally we came into contact with tourists visiting the site, and although they were subdued compared with many tourists – the temple atmosphere seems to affect even the most raucus – they were like fingernails screeching down a blackboard to us.
And tonight, when I tried to phone my sister for her birthday, the phone has been engaged for three hours. Love her to death, but [tag]she talks too much[/tag]!
And you know, sometimes that’s the way in relationships, too. Temporarily, such as during the retreat, or permanently, we are all wired differently. And our need to communicate varies.
Books like Communication Magic and Creating Relationship Magic go to lengths to help you find common ground that works for you as a couple. And it must work. Or else the needs of one will be over-ridden, resentment will set in, and the relationship will sour.
The ‘Dating Goddess’ calls it need for affiliation. “If your guy has less need for affiliation — perhaps much less — than you, he will soon tire of scratching your people-contact itch. But if you think he’s just being standoffish, or ignoring you, you will become annoyed,” she writes.
And that’s about the bottom line. Some people – and some times – need many contacts a day to make them feel happy. Often it doesn’t matter whether it’s talk, email, phone call or smile. Others just want to be left alone – ‘there’s a time for that stuff, and it’s not now!”
There are various schools of study that divide human personality into four categories. They call them different things – North, South, East and West, or Choleric, Sanguine, Melancholy and Phlegmatic etc, but they generally show that two categories are quiet – they think before they speak – and two speak before they think.
‘Perfect couples’ often have all four categories in their armory – which is interesting, because it means there’s a fair chance that they include a quiet/noisy pairing.
What that means is that they have learned to accommodate their partner’s volume of communication. Many do it naturally, but others do better once it is pointed out to them (and they’re usually the quiet ones!).
Either way, it’s an interesting exercise. Rate you and your partner on how many times a day you are each comfortable with communicating with one another. The result is not necessarily good or bad – but make a note, and make some adjustments if there appears to be a need.
Communication can be magic. Just so long as you don’t talk too much!
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