Relationship Breakup Advice
When it comes to relationship break up advice, there are generally two camps: “it’s all the other person’s fault”, or “how can I help you?”
But there is actually another point of view. And sometimes, all by itself, a little drop of time can bring it out in full reparatory force all by itself.
Yesterday I was reading a Paul Theroux travel yarn (The Elephant Suite) about two young women travelling through India together. About to board a train for another part of the country, one of them stared.
“Where’s your pack?”
“Long story. I left it at the hotel.”
Alice knew that Stella was trying to find the right words to say that she wasn’t coming to Bangalore – would not be travelling with Alice, after they had spent every day together since leaving the States on the graduation trip they’d planned since last January.
“I’ve been thinking really hard about us travelling together,” Stella said. “How really fun it’s been.”
Alice said: “So you’re baling.”
“Don’t say it like that.” Stella was shocked. She disliked Alice’s bluntness. “You make it sound like I don’t care.”
It’s an exchange that could well have taken place in any number of relationships that have come to a bump in the road, or a fork, or a sticky patch.
Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital, says that a close and long-term friend [or relationship] provides a shared life history, and that dictates an important element of any breakup.
“Having been through many things together creates an intimacy that is not easily replaced,” she says. “Which is why for a close or longtime friend it really may be worth making more of an attempt at honesty, even if it means a confrontation of sorts.
“Only by talking about what went wrong and why, can you arrive at a mutual repair that will afford both of you the benefits of a long-term friend.”
What many people fail to recognise is that some friendships and relationships can be bad for you. You’ve probably noticed – but chosen to ignore – the fact that they frequently put you in situations that end up undermining you or bringing out the worst in you.
“These so called “toxic” relationships should be ended. They will drain you, sucking up the emotional energy you need for other more mutually satisfying relationships,” Dr Saltz advises.
Which brings us back to Alice. Her friend abandoned her for a boy she’d met, and they’d gone off together, leaving Alice alone.
“But when the train was rumbling past the tenements and traffic of the Bombay outskirts an unexpected feeling came over Alice, glowing on her whole body; she was alone and liked it. Free of Stella, she felt stronger and more decisive. She could do whatever she wanted, without consulting her fickle friend. Just 15 minutes into the trip, she realised that Stella had been a much bigger burden than she’d imagined.”
If you’re agonising over whether or how to break up your relationship, think of Alice. It’s not the definitive relationship breakup advice, but too often it’s the one that never comes to mind. Let it.
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Tagged with: Bangalore • Break Up Advice • Bump In The Road • Confrontation • Friendships • Gail • Graduation Trip • Intimacy • Life History • Longtime Friend • New York Presbyterian • New York Presbyterian Hospital • Paul Theroux • Psychiatrist • Relationship Breakup Advice • Stella • Term Friend • Two Camps • Yarn • York Presbyterian Hospital
Filed under: Relationships
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