Premarital Training:
Why You Should Slash Your Wedding Budget

By Georgie Maddison - Friday, February 22nd, 2008

Are you spending as much time and money preparing for a great marriage as you are on having a nice wedding?

Now that’s a question! (There’s 1000 more here!)

It may be a little off-base trying to quantify commitment through dollars, but there are precious few other measures that would provide a more accurate guage of whether premarital training is a valid marriage enrichment tool.

Let’s look at it. Time and money are the factors which influence more things in our lives than any other. And often, it’s a trade-off between time and money. This question requires you to count both.

So… Are you spending as much time and money preparing for a great marriage as you are on having a nice wedding?

The wedding industry says that average nuptials cost in the region of $30,000. How could we balance that? Dollars spent on dating? Dollars spent on lawyers to draw up a pre nuptial agreement? Donations to a church or counsellor for pre-marriage training?

Stack them all together, and it’s highly unlikely the dollars spent would approach anywhere near the cost of the wedding.

So, the question must be asked – is it time to add a bit of balance to the premarital marriage preparations, or even identifying your ideal partner?

What would happen if you halved your wedding budget and spent the savings on marriage preparation?

You’d have to give your imagination free reign to spend the entire $15,000, wouldn’t you? No travel, mind you – that’s called a honeymoon, and they’re supposed to come after the wedding!

So how would you spend it? I’d love to hear your ideas – that comments box below will accept them all!

Thought-starters might include some pre-marital counseling. I notice that the Centre for Relationship Enrichment (where I saw that great opening question) is offering the “I Choose Us: Laying a Foundation for a Passionate Marriage” for engaged couples from 6 p.m. to 10 p.m. March 5 and 12 at John Brown University in Siloam Springs. The event is free, but reservations are required.

The two-day seminar is designed to help equip engaged couples with eight hours of marriage enrichment education, a personal couple’s assessment report and a discussion guide for ongoing couple interaction.

This particular session is free because of a grant, but it would otherwise cost $150 per couple. And anyway, you can do the relationship quiz online for nothing. Hmm, there’s still a lot of the $15,000 to spend! Here’s a quiz that will cost, so that should help.

Maybe it’s not a realistic spend? Oh… $6 billion is lost by American business annually stemming from marriage and relationship difficulties. Maybe we’d better try harder.

How about some of the really nitty gritty stuff that confounds 54% of marriages in the North West Arkansas region to the point of divorce each year? Teasing out the fundamental beliefs and attitudes that drive your actions and reactions. Finding out what drives you and what drives your prospective partner. And whether they’re compatible, on a collision course, or headed for a perfect relationship?

Nah, that won’t do it. You could do that with a bit of talking, or spending time together. So, deep and meaningful though it might be, it’s not going to spend any more of that $15k. Although, it pushes way past the ‘what’ll we do tonight?’ type conversations, won’t it, and it might even stray into some rather intense and illuminating territory within the relationship… and yourself.

Hmmm. Could be helpful in preparing for marriage or a life together, maybe even a perfect relationship. But not much good in spending that non-wedding moolah.

“Married couples enjoy better health, longer lives, more satisfying sex, more wealth, healthier lives and their children do better emotionally and academically.” That’s another quote about relationships that stick from the NWA Healthy Marriages site.

If it’s that good, maybe we’re going to have to try a bit harder to justify those heady psalms, flowing organza and bouquets of flowers and invitations.

Here’s a thought. What would happen if we stopped rushing between work and social commitments where we’re surrounded by lots of other people with claims on our time and our commitment, and took time out with just us?

The Wall Street Journal recently highlighted the strain living abroad as expats puts on a marriage.

“Being abroad shows people their ‘naked’ marriage without the web of family, long-time friends and a known place in society around it,” says Anouk Turksma.

Now, if we could do that on a small scale – remember, it’s not a honeymoon! – maybe that would force open a few cracks that we could use as relationship exploration and building activities… maybe even a lifetime of love? Yes! That’s a few hundred more spent… maybe balance out the invitations in the other half of the non-wedding spend.

And then… I don’t know. Do you?

There’s really nothing you can’t spend just a small amount of money on – or nothing at all – that could replace the time you spend really looking into yourself, your partner and your relationship. Time out. Time together. Goodwill and an honest desire to explore bliss.

Premarital guidance can help focus that exploration of yourself and your relationship. It’s not the complete answer – I know one couple very close to me who ‘topped’ such a class, were voted ‘the most likely to succeed’ and then crashed and burned at the average seven year divorce hurdle.

On the other hand, if you just wing it and count on your luck and romantic attachment to make your marriage a success, your odds are only one in four.

How will you spend your $15,000 to create a great marriage? Premarital training or addressing the core of your relationship needs?

What Makes Successful Relationships?

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