Marriage and Family and … Happiness?
Marriage and family are supposed to make us happy. Or so the theory goes.
Yet in his book, “Stumbling on Happiness”, Daniel Gilbert notes that most people are ineffective at forecasting what would make them happy.
“People know what it feels like to be happy, but they’re very poor at predicting the sources of their satisfaction,” says Gilbert, a Harvard University professor of psychology.
1000 Questions For Couples.
12 Simple Rules
50 Secrets Of Blissful Relationships.
Human beings are especially likely to misjudge the satisfaction they’ll derive from having more money. One example is that within six months after winning the lottery, Gilbert notes that many winners are no happier than they were before, and that some have become miserable because of the complications the money brings.
Not so well tabulated is the human propensity for relationships and mating. Oh, yes, you’ll often hear the ‘won the lottery’ comment about someone who believes they’ve found their perfect partner, or can’t see through their rose colored glasses at the squirming hunk of babyflesh that’s just been delivered to them in hospital.
But then there’s the pesky divorce rate figures. And sagging marriage rate figures. And the incessant sniping on social networking sites between people who wouldn’t dare vent such ire to their partner in person.
Or maybe they would.
But I came across a comment in a beauty publication that started me thinking that this ancient rule might serve us better at creating some relationship magic in family marriage and relationships if we just reminded ourselves of it again.
It’s the old ‘what would X do?’ trick. In Hilary Rose’s words:
“Such products also pass my new test. In the wake of the visit of Carla Bruni and her husband to these shores, and the realisation that she is beauty and elegance incarnate, I now find myself asking: “What would Carla do?”
…but I baulked at the price. But Carla would not, so neither shall I. It helps that I long ago appropriated L’Oréal’s seductive “because you’re worth it” tagline and used it to justify far more expensive purchases than a paltry tube of Revitalift.
Actually, I’m not sure I am worth it, but … either way my conclusion’s the same: let us go forth to beauty halls across the land, let us seek out a product so beautiful and sweet-smelling it makes our hearts skip a beat, and let us buy it. It’s what Carla would want.”
Now, whether you’re dating, in a marriage and family or in a relationship, how useful could that approach be to having the relationship you want? Not to beauty products, but as a compatibility test of the relationship?
Who in your view has the ideal marriage? If you answer ‘no-one’, maybe you’ll need to do a little digging, and come up with a composite. You admire the way X get on together, the way Y seem to uplift one another, the way Z inspire joy in those around them… and that’s the way I’d like us to be, or that’s my perfect match.
Now, there are a few things to consider when you produce your ideal family marriage profile.
Again, borrowing from a totally different field for inspiration, consider these comments from Christopher Dachi, a life coach who helps clients fulfill their aspirations. He was actually talking about buying a house, but his points make excellent springboards for marital enhancement.
These are some of the relevant points he made:
- Understand how your upbringing could color your views – although they’re unaware of it, people often try to replicate their parents’ views or go to the opposite extreme;
- You’re more likely to make an appropriate selection if you first identify the underlying emotions that drive your thinking; and
- Question the belief that a (different spouse) would heighten your self-esteem.
“The problem of low self-esteem is pandemic,” according to Dachi. And it’s certainly at the heart of the vast majority of emotional meltdowns and relationship dilemmas.
Perhaps it’s at the heart of your dissatisfaction with your current family and marriage, or would drive your judgement about just who would fit into your ideal of a happy family marriage.
Perhaps also, you now know just where to start looking in your search for the elusive happy family and marriage that lasts!
Tagged with: family marriage • marriage and family • perfect partner • relationship magic
Filed under: Relationships
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