How to get your ex back is one of the most common questions after a breakup. But the more important question is: what did you learn from the experience?

Yes, there are ways to get your ex back – you’ll find some of the easiest in The Magic of Making Up – but if you haven’t figured out why you’re apart in the first place, even that advice won’t help you in the long run.

Ah, the niggling’s started, hasn’t it? “Why does this keep happening to me?” or “What have I done wrong again?”

Such thoughts often appear soon after the “I need some space”, or “Can we just be friends?” questions that tend to precede breakups.

So this is important. Before trying to learn how to get your ex back, first learn to understand why this keeps happening to you… and what to do about that.

One way to figure out why you seem to forever be breaking up is to sit down and make a list of the names of those you’ve ‘lost’ in the past. Put them down one side of a piece of paper. Then alongside, write a one or two word description of what you think caused the breakup.

Yes, you can do it in your head, but I’ve found it makes a lot more impact if you do it on paper. That way you readily pick up the patterns. Whether the breakup patterns are strictly accurate or not doesn’t matter… it’s your perception of the situation that counts.

If you can’t see anything obvious, it might be helpful to talk about it with a friend. Just be careful who you pick to share such intimate thoughts with, though. You need to be able to trust… that the person will respond with truth and not sugar-coating, and then keep it to themselves.

Once you’ve identified your relationship-breaking patterns, do something about them! Often, just identifying them is enough. Change what you can, and accept what you cannot change.

And now you can get cracking on getting your ex back!

Here are a few common behaviours that are 100% guaranteed to fail. By and large, they’re natural responses to break up, but avoid them if you really do want to get your ex back.

1. No begging – Don’t even think about this one! It includes trying to call or any contact at all. Right now, your presence will likely make your ex run, and just decrease your chances of restoring a relationship.

2. No promises about changing – This might seem the obvious solution at first – to ask your ex what exactly went wrong and promise that you will not be doing that anymore. In reality, even discussing this will make things worse.

3. No ultimatums – This could be the worst mistake, although it usually occurs before the breakup. Confronting your ex with an ultimatum like ‘choose me or that other thing you are so obsessed with’ is bound to fail. If at that point your ex didn’t have the courage to breakup with you, then it sure as heck isn’t going to work now.

There are many more ways and patterns, but they’re the Big 3. Avoiding them will save you a lot of grief, but if you really do want your ex girlfriend, your ex boyfriend or your ex wife or husband back, you owe it to yourself to do a bit of research.

If the breakup is recent, the pain may be more acute, but it’s less likely that your ex-partner has found a new person more interesting than you. So the odds are weighted your way.

A “don’t break up” strategy generally starts with giving the other person a little bit of time and space, and that gives you a chance to consult those who have gone before.

Counselors may help, but two reasonably-priced books that give instant help are Magic of Making Up and Bring Back A Lost Love! They’re good value, and you can download and start applying them instantly.

Whatever you do, don’t go off half cocked. If you really want your ex back, get yourself a strategy first.

Save Your Relationship... Backwards!

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Filed under: Relationships

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